I've begun a tradition over the past few years of missing the Rose Parade on New Years morning. Instead of marching bands and pretty floats, this year I rolled out of bed (at 11:15) to the crooning tune of Rocky III (and then Rocky IV). This is the second day in a row I've had the pleasure of viewing Sylvester Stallone kicking some serious butt (Demolition Man is an excellent way of ringing in the New Year). As I sat, wrapped up in my new fluffy green blanket, I imagined 2010 kicking the ass (..or perhaps planting a solid right hook on the face of...) 2009. As my lovely husband said of his namesake (or so he claims), Rocky may not be the biggest or strongest fighter out there, but he has the most heart! So, I look at 2010, it may not have have the advantage of being a single digits 2000 (e.g. 2003) number, it may not be cool enough to be honored by the title of "odd," and it may have the indignity of being pronounced "twenty-ten," but it is a new beginning, a new decade, and already has a great deal of heart.
2009 went out with a shudder as we slowly dragged ourselves over the finish line of 11:59:59. The turning over of one year to the next is greeted by champagne, kissing, fireworks, streamers, a ball dropping, and, this year, relief. Last year is now housed in shadow, present for us to squint back on, but hidden so that we don't have to dwell in the past.
There were some good things, new kitties, new shoes, new dances, new friends, and new inspiration. Even more than that, however, 2009 tried to drag us down with illness, death, and pain.
2010 is our fresh start and is chock full of potential. We begin out of debt with dreams of new classes, travel, new life, and the joining of two loved one. Our hearts are wounded but resilient.
New Year Resolutions:
I will take more pictures.
I will keep up better with those I care about.
I will drink less soda and more water.
I will put the dishes directly in the dishwasher.
I will take up some kind of activity like kick-boxing or yoga.
I will not beat myself up if I have trouble fulfilling any/all of these resolutions.
To sum up, last year kind of sucked. This year had better not, or I will take on the role of Sylvester Stallone myself, and kick some butt.
Friday, January 1, 2010
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Thoughts on Justin Key
It's 6:30 on Christmas Eve and I wake up knowing that it's time to say goodbye. I roll over, trying to ignore it. I'm not ready. It's not time yet. Sleep alludes me and my brain won't stop whirring; so. After an hour, I pull myself up and tiptoe silently downstairs, wrap myself in a blanket, and write.
For more than a week I've been walking around with a stomach ache that feels like when you leave for the airport and know that you've forgotten something...or lost something.
The last time I saw Justin was in 2008, December of 2008. I think he was wearing blue. Whenever I imagine Justin dressed up, I imagine blue. It's what he was wearing the first time I saw him in formal attire...which was in December of 2002.
I was wearing white. He told me I looked beautiful and he gave me a hug.
A week before that we got a drink together. We had laughed when we met up because we were both wearing tan trench coats. We'd grown up, at least in our fashion. He wanted to try a Vesper because he'd just seen the most recent (the most recent at that time...) James Bond. The bartender didn't know how to make them. He flirted with her anyway. I gave him advice on girls, he told me about his job. He gave me a hug.
We fell out of touch after that. I guess dynamics change in friendships between boys and girls when girls get married. Maybe we were both too busy and preoccupied to give it much though. Life grabs you and propels you onward, despite how much you struggle. I called him six months later demanding an update, but then I found out he was in Africa.
We spoke a month ago for a few minutes catching up.
Him: Darden, homework, happiness, insanity
Me: house, husband, kitties, happiness.
We said we would stay in touch.
My mother called me last Tuesday in the middle of a long weekend in Arizona. I always know when something is wrong. My mother will call my husband's phone as well as mine if I don't answer. She'll leave a cryptic message about how I need to call now!
Mom: How are you
Me: (Pause) fine
Mom: You sound like you have a cold
Me: Yeah...
Mom: (Deep breath) I have some very bad news.
Idle thought: Funny they have a phone signal at my parent-in-law's condo in Flagstaff. (okay, not weird at all). They don't have wi-fi.
Mom: Have you heard about Justin?
Me: NO
I cling to the moments before I hear what I dread is coming. He's in a coma? He broke both legs? He has a cold?
I met Justin on a mission trip to Mexico, over massive orange fresh water coolers. I will be eternally grateful that water in Mexico can give you parasites.
Things you learn in your first 30 second conversation with Justin: He is beautiful, he is brilliant, he is sarcastic, and your life will never be the same. He slayed me.
While still in Mexico I learned his SAT score and that he could lift me, flip me, and shake me by my ankles.
He invited me to Crossroads and I became a regular attendee. I fell into a different group of friends, but we stayed close with regular coffee, phone calls, and emails.
Things changed when we went our separate ways for college. We hung out during summers and Christmas. There were still phone calls and emails. He had a crazy knack for calling me when I was about to do something stupid.
Things you learn about Justin after you've known him for awhile: He is more brilliant than you first thought, he is absolutely sincere, he's not perfect, he has an unquenchable thirst for learning and faith, you will never meet anyone like him, you will never be hugged by anyone else like Justin hugs you.
Some of my favorite Justin memories:
Wandering through Redmond Town Center around Christmas after the shops closed almost every year, listening to classical music pumping through speakers, talking about life.
Going to Disneyland together, you bugged me all day to wear sunblock. I insisted that I wouldn't get burnt. You were right of course.
When the dance instructors didn't show up to Raeleen and Andy's wedding and we taught the guests basic swing steps. And then, since you were much better at salsa; trying to dance salsa to swing music.
When you came to my dance concert even though you thought it would be weird to come alone and "stare at girls in leotards."
Our crazy emails where we write back and forth in the margins until they become so confusing that one of us (usually me) gives up and starts over.
Your smile.
Why would my mother call me if Justin has a cold?
They say your life passes before your eyes before you die. It would seem that happens as well when you are given information you can't quite handle. I know that in a heart-beat I was watching a slow motion vision of my life as I had known it, sliding away, replaced with stark reality.
My mother can't speak when she's crying. I inherited that from her.
I haven't spoken a lot this week and a half.
I don't know how to end these thoughts. Perhaps with something more upbeat. I suppose it makes sense to say that I know that you are happier now than you could ever be here. You have achieved what you wanted to achieve (I know, I read your book). You became the man you were meant to be.
I am aware that I have been selfish, carrying you around in my sorrow and grief.
So, I say goodbye my dear, beautiful friend. My life has been changed, bettered, because of your presence. I will remember Decembers.
Booyah and love and stuff.
For more than a week I've been walking around with a stomach ache that feels like when you leave for the airport and know that you've forgotten something...or lost something.
The last time I saw Justin was in 2008, December of 2008. I think he was wearing blue. Whenever I imagine Justin dressed up, I imagine blue. It's what he was wearing the first time I saw him in formal attire...which was in December of 2002.
I was wearing white. He told me I looked beautiful and he gave me a hug.
A week before that we got a drink together. We had laughed when we met up because we were both wearing tan trench coats. We'd grown up, at least in our fashion. He wanted to try a Vesper because he'd just seen the most recent (the most recent at that time...) James Bond. The bartender didn't know how to make them. He flirted with her anyway. I gave him advice on girls, he told me about his job. He gave me a hug.
We fell out of touch after that. I guess dynamics change in friendships between boys and girls when girls get married. Maybe we were both too busy and preoccupied to give it much though. Life grabs you and propels you onward, despite how much you struggle. I called him six months later demanding an update, but then I found out he was in Africa.
We spoke a month ago for a few minutes catching up.
Him: Darden, homework, happiness, insanity
Me: house, husband, kitties, happiness.
We said we would stay in touch.
My mother called me last Tuesday in the middle of a long weekend in Arizona. I always know when something is wrong. My mother will call my husband's phone as well as mine if I don't answer. She'll leave a cryptic message about how I need to call now!
Mom: How are you
Me: (Pause) fine
Mom: You sound like you have a cold
Me: Yeah...
Mom: (Deep breath) I have some very bad news.
Idle thought: Funny they have a phone signal at my parent-in-law's condo in Flagstaff. (okay, not weird at all). They don't have wi-fi.
Mom: Have you heard about Justin?
Me: NO
I cling to the moments before I hear what I dread is coming. He's in a coma? He broke both legs? He has a cold?
I met Justin on a mission trip to Mexico, over massive orange fresh water coolers. I will be eternally grateful that water in Mexico can give you parasites.
Things you learn in your first 30 second conversation with Justin: He is beautiful, he is brilliant, he is sarcastic, and your life will never be the same. He slayed me.
While still in Mexico I learned his SAT score and that he could lift me, flip me, and shake me by my ankles.
He invited me to Crossroads and I became a regular attendee. I fell into a different group of friends, but we stayed close with regular coffee, phone calls, and emails.
Things changed when we went our separate ways for college. We hung out during summers and Christmas. There were still phone calls and emails. He had a crazy knack for calling me when I was about to do something stupid.
Things you learn about Justin after you've known him for awhile: He is more brilliant than you first thought, he is absolutely sincere, he's not perfect, he has an unquenchable thirst for learning and faith, you will never meet anyone like him, you will never be hugged by anyone else like Justin hugs you.
Some of my favorite Justin memories:
Wandering through Redmond Town Center around Christmas after the shops closed almost every year, listening to classical music pumping through speakers, talking about life.
Going to Disneyland together, you bugged me all day to wear sunblock. I insisted that I wouldn't get burnt. You were right of course.
When the dance instructors didn't show up to Raeleen and Andy's wedding and we taught the guests basic swing steps. And then, since you were much better at salsa; trying to dance salsa to swing music.
When you came to my dance concert even though you thought it would be weird to come alone and "stare at girls in leotards."
Our crazy emails where we write back and forth in the margins until they become so confusing that one of us (usually me) gives up and starts over.
Your smile.
Why would my mother call me if Justin has a cold?
They say your life passes before your eyes before you die. It would seem that happens as well when you are given information you can't quite handle. I know that in a heart-beat I was watching a slow motion vision of my life as I had known it, sliding away, replaced with stark reality.
My mother can't speak when she's crying. I inherited that from her.
I haven't spoken a lot this week and a half.
I don't know how to end these thoughts. Perhaps with something more upbeat. I suppose it makes sense to say that I know that you are happier now than you could ever be here. You have achieved what you wanted to achieve (I know, I read your book). You became the man you were meant to be.
I am aware that I have been selfish, carrying you around in my sorrow and grief.
So, I say goodbye my dear, beautiful friend. My life has been changed, bettered, because of your presence. I will remember Decembers.
Booyah and love and stuff.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Opening Words
I've been told recently that I should either a) write a book or b) start a blog on dating. Apparently my stories and advice are amusing and useful. However, as I don't have a terribly long attention span, I figured I should try my hand at blogging. What is my experience you ask (Or perhaps not)? I don't have a degree in relationship psychology (English literature actually) but I do have a lot of stories (mostly funny) that somehow fit well into conversation, and can at times, lend insight to other people's troubles. I'm also extremely free with advice. And sometimes people even take it. For example:
When I was in college (I think I was a softmore) I was crazy about this guy (We'll call him Clark). He was super intelligent (and was aware of it) and quite cute, although he had huge (kind of crushed) teeth. When he smiled, he almost looked like a cute, intelligent, horse. Not that I can really talk, I also have large teeth (imagine what our kids would have looked like). We would sit for hours being intellectual, talking about politics, religion, and books. We never questioned that we were smarter than all of the other college students sitting around the world, musing about life.
This would have all been perfect except, unfortunately for me, Clark had a big crush (we're talking full on "I'm in love with this girl" crush) on some blond freshman. She was one of those cheerleader types, always bubbly and friendly, but a pot boiling over of evilness inside (at least that was my unbiased opinion).Unfortunately for Clark, the blond freshman wouldn't give him the time of day.
It was shortly after we began hanging out that Clark discovered that I had a knack for relationship analizing. More and more frequently our conversations turned toward the random blond girl. Against my better judgement (even after he told me that if he were smarter and unattached he would like a girl like me) I gave him my opinion; "She likes attention which is why she lets you hang around with her. You're too good for her. It won't work out" but he kept asking. Finally I told him that he should stop going to see her and in about a week she would approach him saying that she missed him and that she wanted to hang out again (because she craved the drama and attention) and they would date. But then I warned him that it would only last a week or two. I know, I sound like cheap psychic, but I'd seen it all before, it made sense. I felt safe in my prophesy. So, my words fresh in his mind, Clark hurried forth to fulfill his destiny.
About two weeks later he returned, looking very confused, "It happened just like you said" He told me. He had ignored her for about a week, she'd come looking for him, they'd hung out a few times, but then it had fizzled.
After that he avoided me (difficult on a campus of 1600 students). I never knew whether he'd gotten sick of my friendship, felt pressure to date me because he was no longer attached, or was creeped out by my foretelling his future (friendships have always been harder for me to figure out than dating). I ran into him about six months later and while in hurry to get away, he explained to me in stilted tones that he was transfering because he hated our school. About a year after that I invited him to be my friend on Facebook and he declined.
All this to say, I can be creepy in my understanding of dating. Also, don't take it too seriously, I don't like it when people stop talking to me because I give them advice (I mean, he asked right?). There are only so many different types of men and women in this world and when they mingle and date, trends develop, and history tends to repeat itself. Trust me, I know what I'm talking about.
When I was in college (I think I was a softmore) I was crazy about this guy (We'll call him Clark). He was super intelligent (and was aware of it) and quite cute, although he had huge (kind of crushed) teeth. When he smiled, he almost looked like a cute, intelligent, horse. Not that I can really talk, I also have large teeth (imagine what our kids would have looked like). We would sit for hours being intellectual, talking about politics, religion, and books. We never questioned that we were smarter than all of the other college students sitting around the world, musing about life.
This would have all been perfect except, unfortunately for me, Clark had a big crush (we're talking full on "I'm in love with this girl" crush) on some blond freshman. She was one of those cheerleader types, always bubbly and friendly, but a pot boiling over of evilness inside (at least that was my unbiased opinion).Unfortunately for Clark, the blond freshman wouldn't give him the time of day.
It was shortly after we began hanging out that Clark discovered that I had a knack for relationship analizing. More and more frequently our conversations turned toward the random blond girl. Against my better judgement (even after he told me that if he were smarter and unattached he would like a girl like me) I gave him my opinion; "She likes attention which is why she lets you hang around with her. You're too good for her. It won't work out" but he kept asking. Finally I told him that he should stop going to see her and in about a week she would approach him saying that she missed him and that she wanted to hang out again (because she craved the drama and attention) and they would date. But then I warned him that it would only last a week or two. I know, I sound like cheap psychic, but I'd seen it all before, it made sense. I felt safe in my prophesy. So, my words fresh in his mind, Clark hurried forth to fulfill his destiny.
About two weeks later he returned, looking very confused, "It happened just like you said" He told me. He had ignored her for about a week, she'd come looking for him, they'd hung out a few times, but then it had fizzled.
After that he avoided me (difficult on a campus of 1600 students). I never knew whether he'd gotten sick of my friendship, felt pressure to date me because he was no longer attached, or was creeped out by my foretelling his future (friendships have always been harder for me to figure out than dating). I ran into him about six months later and while in hurry to get away, he explained to me in stilted tones that he was transfering because he hated our school. About a year after that I invited him to be my friend on Facebook and he declined.
All this to say, I can be creepy in my understanding of dating. Also, don't take it too seriously, I don't like it when people stop talking to me because I give them advice (I mean, he asked right?). There are only so many different types of men and women in this world and when they mingle and date, trends develop, and history tends to repeat itself. Trust me, I know what I'm talking about.
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